Why Are You so Obsessed with Me?: An Open Letter to Karl Lagerfeld

By Maria 

I hate to be dramatic, but I have a bone to pick with yesterday's Chanel's Métier d'Art show in which Karl Lagerfeld premiered his undeniably stunning Pre-Fall '15 Salzburg collection. His designs drew inspiration from Austria's Empress Elisabeth, who was endearingly known by many as simply Sissi. You may remember her as played by Romy Schneider in the 1950s biopic trilogy, but if you need a refresher course, you've come to the right place. 

Our girl was born a Bavarian duchess before marrying into the Austrian royal family at age 16. Renowned for her beauty and personal style (and that hair), she quickly became the toast of mid-19th century Central Europe. However, Sissi was also the first Archetypal Trendy Sad Girl. The Lana del Rey of 1855, if you will. She even expressed her inner demons though sad girl poetry:

Years have gone and drawn away,

but they will never unite us two again.
Questioning at night I look at the stars,
none gave me back help or answer.
Soon I came near to you, soon again far away.
Are you already lingering on another star?

Begs to be put to a melancholy harp melody á la Video Games, no? In addition, she may or may not have had an illicit affair with a Hungarian count, and was STABBED TO DEATH by an assassin but played it so cool that no one realized it until she died hours later. 

So what's my issue with Lagerfeld? Not to toot my own horn here, but my dad has been telling me I resemble Empress Elisabeth for years. I've taken a whole lot of pride in that. Had a major Sissi moment last January, as a matter of fact. 

Stop stealing my thunder, Mr. Lagerfeld. Sissi was my thing. And this isn't your first offense. Remember your 2011 Paris Byzance show, which just happened to follow my 10th grade Byzantine phase? I thought I was Theodora reincarnated and you took that away from me.  

Have you been stalking me all this time? Would you stop designing collections that appropriate my otherwise obscure historical doppelgängers/lady obsessions without at least consulting me first? Who's next? Peggy O'Neal? Mata Hari?

And while I'm not sure how I feel about Delevingne's portrayal of the Empress, Pharrell as Franz Joseph is SO GOOD. It's all so good. Your collection is brilliant and I'm salty about it. Good day, sir.